Carton City, Texas
Package the Earth and its parent company, Wrap It All Up, are investing large sums of money to build seniors' assisted living facilities nationwide. Spokesperson Ewell B. Tapt said today that Wrap It All Up is in a unique position to provide an increasingly necessary service to America's elderly citizens. He declined further comment when asked about the information this news source has uncovered.
In a recent meeting of the board of directors of Package the Earth it was revealed that a double-line graph shows a pleasing increase in the inability of people to access their purchases. Line A shows a steady incline in the toughness and inaccessibility of the packaging, while Line B shows a steep decline in the physical and mental abilities of the customers as they undergo the aging process. The point X at which the lines cross was the determining factor in the decision of PtE to go into the elder housing business.
Our sources who insist on anonymity revealed that the company policy is to tighten up even further the packaging of everything that is sold. "We have reached the point where even spuds are wrapped individually! What a world!" enthused Frank "Rap" Teight, director of company R & D. "Soon it will be impossible for people as young as 48 to survive apart from assisted living communities. Scissors? Knives? Can openers? Pshaw! We will have them all defeated in five years. Assisted living communities are the wave of the future, and we aim to dominate the market."
Further, it is rumored that Wrap It All Up is actively attempting a hostile takeover of Waste Systems, Inc. "Our ultimate goal is to take control of DisposeAll as well," said Teight, according to our source. "We will have them coming and going!"