At the Auction #T

Visiting my Uncle Everett last week, he asked me would I like to go to the auction.  Now I need nothing, but Everett allows as how it is the best entertainment Indiana has to offer.  So we wandered on over to the auction barn.

"Keep your eye on thet fella over there."

"Which one?"

"The one in the stripey overhalls 'n a brown hat."

"Halfa nems in stripey overhalls an' alla nem have a brown hat."

"The one apickin' his teeth with a love bone."

And the auctioneer cries, "Ida twenty twenty bom thirty gi thirty thirty bom thirty... say, Honus, is yer mother'n law ugly?"

"Yeh!"

"Sold, thirty dollar raht thar ta Honus Applegate. Now this yer urn, thet's a chamber pot, hain't hit, Earl?"

"Yep, genu-wine thunder mug, but she ain't got no lid." 


"No lid, but she's antique right enuff.  Whut 'm I bid fer it?  I got five, an' le's go.  Bom ten, ten, now fiftee' dolla, fiftee' bom twenty. I got seventeen fitty, bom twenty.  Say, Honus, you be over ta the Moose Sattidy night?"

"Sure thing!" 

"Sold! twenty dollars right thar to Honus Applegate."

Honus throws down his hat smack on the ground and starts jumping up and down on it. Three, four stomps, one more for good measure.  He picks up his hat and

"Eli, you are a sacka, . .  Hey ever'one, that Eli Hackelman right there, he's a jackin' the prices."

"Honus, you are a liar."

"Eli, you're another, and a cheat ta boot!"

"Now ever'body.  I tole you at the top a the show fair and square that I am a buyer here.  If I bid it in, I bought it.  Fair enough?  Honus, am I gonna hafta have Sheriff Jett there thow you out this here sale?  Now folks what am I bid for this fine etty jeer raht cheer?  Who'll start her two hunnert?  I got fitty, bid a hunnert bom hunnert, gimme, I got seventy, bom eighty dolla eighty dolla bid em eighty, any buddy bid em eighty, now ninety. . ."

"See, raht thar.  Folks, when he say ' I got' then that's a bid, 'n when he say 'now' he's a jackin'."

"Honus, you wanna buy this fine piece a furnicher?"

"I do. . ."

"Sold, ninety dollar to Honus Applegate."

"I am inna midsta sayin' 'I do NOT.  Do Not, do not do not.'"

"Somebody get this man a do-nut afore he have a-pop-lexy.  Now where was I.  Oh, yeah.  I got eighty, I mean now it's eighty, bom ninety, gimme ninety dolla. . ."

"They run that show out here every week," Uncle Everett tells me.  "The regulars all know it, but it is fun for everyone anyway.  Honus and Eli go way back.  Fact.  They are half-brothers, raised together on a dirt floor in Hangtown.  Well, hereabouts we have to take our entertainment where we find it."